7 things about Lydia's husband

Here are seven things about me you might find helpful should you ever find yourself stuck in an elevator with me.

1. My ex-wife's sister's girlfriend once pulled a butcher knife on me; and my wife once threw a television set at me. Lesson: There are times when home ownership isn't worth it. A 3-way that doesn't involve sex is one of them.

2. I could make a scotch and water before I could do long division. And no, I wasn't a slow math learner.

3. I experienced true Buddhist enlightenment when I was having dinner with my ex-wife. I remember saying to her, “you have always been there - you will always be there.” It was at that precise moment that I decided to move on. A word of advice to you kids out there – if, after 5 years your relationship is a nightmare, don’t try to fix it by getting married. Hold on while I wipe off the sad clown make-up.

4. My father was married 7 times. I met his seventh wife when I was 35. Her name was Kiki and she was 25 at the time. I hadn’t seen my father since I was 5, and the meeting was set for a casino in Carson City, Nevada. I’ll never forget him handing Kiki a wad of $100 bills and telling her to “go play the slots while I catch up with my son”. Thankfully she wasn't hot, because at 10 years my junior, she could have been.

5. I moved 5 times in 1 year. Do you now how difficult it is to carry a double-size futon mattress up 2 flights stairs by yourself? When I moved out I lowered the frame- which I had assembled in the apartment - down the fire escape. The people on the street below were transfixed as though I was tight-rope walking over Niagara Falls, that is until the frame fell on their small dog, crushing it. Okay, that last part was a lie, but the fact that I thought it tells you something about me.

6. While at Cal Expo, the California State Fair, I urinated next to Johnny Whittaker, the guy that played Jody on Family Affair. I’ve had pee anxiety ever since.

7. And about that elevator, I’m claustrophobic.

Matt, tag, you're it.